You will never be an INAC Chief & Other things

It was my second kick at the can; running for Chief.  However, the writing was on the wall as to what the outcome would be.  I saw the pattern long before the voting took place yet continued to hope.  Change grows us and allows for either new mistakes to be made or wonderful possibilities to be had.  I knew that my outspokenness would hinder any votes in  my favor.  I also knew that I didn't have anything to offer but a forensic audit, transparency and economic growth via sustainable land initiatives.  Who the hell wants to vote for that?!!  And sadly I knew that oppression rears its ugly head and perpetuates comfort at the hands of many.  The result of me not getting elected didn't hurt but it did sting a bit.

What I usually do after I have been stung  (which happens a lot unfortunately) is to reflect on what transpired to make me feel that way.  After the election, many friends offered comforting words such as "aww you had my vote" and "you still are a good leader in my books".  My friends meant well and wanted to cheer me up, but I what I needed to do was soul searching (cue in the Barry Manilow baritone).

What put it all into perspective was when a friend, who i view as an elder, said to me "you would never have been a good INAC Chief."  At first, I wanted to tell him to fuck off, but I held my fingers from the keyboard and said it out loud in my kitchen before I continued to read his texts.  "The ultimate symbol of our colonisation is to be elected.  You my friend aren't a colonised sheep but a cougar; you eat sheep."

I laughed out loud because he was right.  I am a cougar (please refer to a previous blog I wrote to fully understand). I do eat sheep! Well, to be honest, I eat organic chicken, wild meat and fish but not sheep; sheep are too cute.  Yes, my logic is a bit faulty and I have digressed from what I am trying to get at which is that I would never have been happy as Chief. 

In fact, I probably would have been impeached because I, a Windigo Kaan (again please refer to my previous blogs) have never been good at following the grain but awesome at going against it.  I veer off the path, I speak my mind and rarely hold my tongue.  I speak truth which makes it very hard for me to like and people to like me; true but go figure!

And if I was honest with myself at the nominations, I should never have run because I knew  then that I wouldn't have been happy nor would I have lasted long as a Chief.  And while that thought makes me sad it gives me some peace as I don't have to be restricted by the confines of a colonial cloak; someone else does and for that I am glad.   I am truly grateful that there are people out there that can move through that system and are okay working in it because I am not one of them.   It takes big womyn pants to admit that, but I am good with wearing them.  Congrats to the elected.  

Some might think I am a sore cat or is that a sore sport, for losing.  Let me say this: I lose all the time and I am okay with it, really, I am.  When I run half/full marathons, I never come in first. Instead I embrace the womyn who crosses the finish line 4 or 5 hours later; me.  It has never been about winning; always about change and doing better. The only person I ever want to be better than is the current me.  

Now, on to the other things I will never be.

I will never be unable to laugh; I was born giggling!  Well, I like to think I was, but have you ever heard of a baby giggling coming out of the birth canal? It could happen; it is funny in a strange kind of way.  I would giggle if I came out to a person in a mask telling my mom to push; really, I would.

I will never be happy with the status quo.  I think no one should be happy with it as status quo rarely enables change.

I will never be a size 4.  I struggled with my body image for so many years  and realised I look awesome not as a size but as me.  There are days I feel fabulous in my body and then there are days that I don't.  I no longer berate the womyn in the mirror on the days when my mind tries valiantly to convince my body to betray me.

I will never be so heartbroken that I stop loving people.  I may wish dishonour on their cow and possibly spit on their feet, but I will still love if  my heart is broken.  Loving another being is a beautiful way to move through life.  I love my dogs. I love the trees and water that sing to me and I love seeing love.

I will never be okay with children as a commodity; they are a gift.  Human trafficking, child pornography and even child welfare all put a price on children.

I will never be okay with silence.  I have been sexually assaulted, raped and abused; silence allows for it to perpetuate and sneak into dismantling a womyn, a man, a child.  Speak out.

I will never be who others want me to be; I am okay with that. You should never be okay with it either. Be the person you want to be and no other.  Life is way to short to pretend you are someone you are not.  Be like me if you want; a cougar who loves living life.

Mii wi (the end)

Carrianne