Suicidal thoughts....It happens to the best of us

Let’s be honest…..suicidal thoughts happen to the best of us.  

It’s #mental #health week here in Canada so I thought what better to write about in my blog than my struggle with mild depression, ptsd, anxiety and life in general.  I imagine that I will be surprising a lot of my friends and family with this disclosure as many don’t see me this way as I don’t share that part of me because I find it makes people uncomfortable and changes how they perceive you.  One minute you are this strong, assured, independent woman then suddenly you aren’t and are placed in a category where your knowledge and abilities take a backstage; where you couldn’t possibly know what you are talking about or function in Society! Oh no, not function as per Society standards; whatever shall I do?!! Pffttt!

I often think about Robin Williams and how everyone was shocked when he committed suicide; he was every bit the actor, the comedian, the person others saw him as.  Yet he was also alone in his mind just like we all are.  No one truly knows what you are going through but you.  Sure we tell others what is on our mind, but only to a point.  Why can’t we be honest and tell it like it is without having people think you are less than you are? To me, secrets keep your mind locked in despair never truly allowing for healing. 

So here is the honest part; I have been struggling now for a while with my new business and trying to make money so I can grow my business, feed my adult children and pay the bills. I wasn’t always like this; struggling and worrying about finances.  A year ago I had to leave a well-paid position as Program Manager in a mental health organization due to it being so toxic to my well-being (lateral violence in the form of relational aggression ensured I left quickly).  Being the optimistic person that I am, I took the leaving as a chance to start the business I had always wanted to do as I realized that I had the skills and knowledge to do the work on my own and could no longer work for others who said they were progressive, want change, are healthy and culturally appropriate but really weren’t.  It’s a sickness that perpetuates; this oppression in the form of lateral violence and relational aggression. It perpetuates because we are told to walk away from it lest we lose something other than ourselves in the struggle. I lost myself for a month after being forced to quit.  I thought it was me but it wasn’t; that is how strong that oppression is.        

In the struggle since to get my business going, I have noticed my moods move up and down and that anxiety has become part of my life as I try to make sense of the world around me.  And in the movement to gain sense of my lack of work, I have had suicidal thoughts.  Yep, me.  As I write this, I can almost see the flurry of questions; does she want to kill herself? How does this affect her ability to work? Does she need some professional help? Or will they be that type of person to say “Oh, for petes sakes, just suck it up”.   

Well let me assure you I don’t want to kill myself and that I have no plans on how to do it.  I am afraid of dying, believe it or not, which makes it hard to follow through on the thought.  But at times when the struggle is so intense I become tired of fighting and think wouldn’t it be nice if suddenly it would all end. Yea, we all have those thoughts and I am honest enough to say that I have them.  If you can tell me that you have never had the thought, at least once in your life, that you felt like giving up and just wishing you could see the light on the other side where there isn’t supposed to be a worry, then you aren’t really being honest with yourself.  Nope, you aren’t.

And on that note, please don’t start referring me for professional help, really. These are honest thoughts that I have every now and then and I allow them space as I believe they have a purpose.  I have supports in place when I need them and people who I can talk things out with when I feel I can’t make sense of it all; I believe this is an important piece in moving through and past suicidal thoughts where ending it all seems like the only solution.  I also have some awesome coping skills, running is one of them, which I can draw from when I am feeling so overwhelmed by it all.  Being grounded in ceremonies and having a bundle that calls to me when I can’t let things be also helps; I love being rooted this way. Nope, don’t need professional help at the moment, so let’s move on.

In the past, I have worked with clients who were suicidal and had a plan. I would work with them until they were safe and had supports in place and checked on them periodically throughout their healing.  Yet, it wasn’t until I started to really think about it, to be honest with my thoughts and research why I felt the way I do/did, that I finally understood how something that seems so small to others can be so big to someone else that it would make one think that the best course of action would be to end it all. 

For me, the lack of money at the moment and the inability to pay most bills may seem to others a small, trivial price to pay for the anxiety and suicidal thoughts that float about at times, but it isn’t; not to me.   And if you add in that I fought hard to make it through sexual abuse as a child, rape as a teenager, years of domestic abuse from my ex-husband, malignant breast cancer etc, then it seems very surreal that I would struggle with thoughts on life now.  But I do, and it happens without any rhyme or reason to the best of us; mental un-wellness doesn’t discriminate. We all struggle with our thoughts at any given moment in time, it is what we do with them when we don’t allow for them to be shared; that is the real issue.  I am honest. I talk about it and if I can’t find anyone, then I talk to my dogs; they understand me; oh the stories they could tell you! But I don’t just leave it with my dogs and as soon as I can I find someone who can vocalize back to me what I am going through, I do it.

this isn't my dog, but he came to hear me talk one day...love!

Yep, we all have days where we just want to let go of it all.  If I were to leave you with anything from my personal story it would be to talk about what is on your mind so you can let someone else hear your thoughts.  And if they are your best buddy/chum/BFF then they can point out the possible fallacies with your thinking enabling you to revise it to a better, positive outcome.  They will also let your family know that you need a bit more support and hugs for a while.  And be honest with yourself.  If you are feeling like the world is ending because you feel it is but you deny it to others, then it’s going to create a personal conflict within yourself.   Share your thoughts with others that you know who will hold you up for however long you need them to; the Creator (whoever he/she is to you) made our arms for just that reason – to hold and support.   If you are thinking of committing suicide, call 911.  There is a help line also.  It is 1-800-784-2433 (1-800-SUICIDE) or 1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK) or visit https://ontario.cmha.ca/mental-health/services-and-support/crisis-support/ .  I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist and what I wrote is my own personal story and what I do to help myself. Please seek professional help if you are struggling. 

Life is worth living even through the tough times and sometimes we need others to show us how to do that. 

Miigwech (thank you) for letting me share my story. 

Carrianne