Letting go of the unknown
One day last week, as I was finished showering and was towelling off, I noticed a mark on my breast that wasn't there the night before. I stared at it a bit bewildered as I couldn't figure out where it came from. It was at that moment that I started to panic and memories of when I found out I had breast cancer started to re-surface.
I can still remember the day so vividly that it freaks me out; i was visiting my parents that summer. That particular day I had been pushing my children in a baby carriage up a steep hill and felt tired. I also noticed my right chest started to ache. I shrugged it off and continued pushing the kids towards my parent's house. When the kids were settled and relaxing in front of my parent's tv watching a movie, I went to the washroom to investigate the pain. I took off my bra and saw a patch of red on the one side of my breast that looked like a bad rash and felt hot to touch. I was bewildered and thought it was just a heat rash as that summer was really hot. However, it wasn't and it didn't go away. I made an appointment with my doctor for when I would get back to my home (Sault Ste. Marie) and never thought twice about it after that.
When I did meet with my doctor, a whirlwind of emotions and tests flew by in less than a month to where suddenly I was awake and looking at the staples taking up the space where my breast used to be. I cried but it was done; the cancer was gone and I was alive. All that ensued afterwards would forever change me. Some of it was having to learn how to walk without being off balance (you wouldn't believe how missing a breast can through you off balance) and how to like my new self. Questions that haunted my mind at that time that greatly affected my self were: would potential partners find me just a sensual, sexy without a breast? Would I? Was I still every bit a womyn without a breast? Who was I now? I think the biggest questions that sat with me for a long time afterwards was: would I get cancer again and would I survive the 2 year mark being cancer free. Would I see my children grow?
Almost 18 years later to the here and now and I am freaked out over a little red bump on my left breast; it sent me back to the past and the emotions that came with it. While I examined my breast I chastised myself for not being regular on my breast self examinations telling myself that it was a stupid move as a tear escaped my eye. I then told myself that I wasn't stupid, and that it would all work out as it should.
And when I was finished my check I came to the conclusion that it was probably a bug bite as it wasn't really a lump, yet it troubled me for the whole day after. I found myself unable to stop peeking at my breast on and off throughout the day in hopes it had disappeared. If anyone had seen me that day with my face down in my shirt, they would have thought I was getting off at looking at my breasts! hahahaha Or maybe that I had dropped some food in my shirt and was trying to get at it....lol
It wasn't until the day was almost over and the sun was setting that I told myself to stop it; to stop worrying until I have something to worry about. "This wasn't the same situation", I told myself, and that not every little bump or bruise meant I was going to get cancer again. I had assessed my current situation for what it was at the moment and not for what it was in the past or will be in the future and then I let out a breath; I let go of the unknown. I also stopped looking at my breast. And as I sat on the couch by the living room window with my cup of tea watching the sun go down, the cool evening air drifted in with the whispers from the wind saying "breathe in a new moment" so I did.
In good thoughts,
Carrianne
Comments
Post a Comment