Until the Tears Stop

Well, I thought I had a handle on it; the death of my husband.  Does one really have a handle on death? I suppose some do and some don’t.  Since my husband’s death in September I have been mildly sad over his passing but I didn’t think I was too distraught as we were separated for over 19 years and a good portion of our marriage was shitty (to put it mildly).  Yep, I thought I was doing pretty good with it all, the emotions under check and all until a song came on through the radio two months later as I was driving into Sault Ste. Marie.  And there it went; my mind first and then my heart went back to the memory of him and me.

My husband lived in the Sault; his reserve being that of Rankin or as he would say Goulais. He was buried in Goulais in a blue suede casket.  I saw him in it and then I saw him lowered to the ground in it.  At the time I thought it was the strangest casket for him as it reminded me of Elvis and his blue suede shoes.  I wondered at the time they were lowering the casket if my husband would have thought it should have been a wee bit different, maybe without the suede look? I guess it doesn’t really matter but it stood out for me; the blue suede casket that housed my husband and would continue to do so until his body no longer exists within it.  Egads, that sounds morbid but it is an honest thought nonetheless.

Anyway, getting back to the song; I have a habit of digressing and getting off track and really should focus on the story that is to unfold.  It was the first time I had heard the song and as I listened to the words, tears started to fall from my eyes.  How interesting I thought.  The song is song by CAM and is called the Burning House and part of the lyrics are as follows:

“I had a dream about a burning house. You were stuck inside, I couldn't get you out. I laid beside you and pulled you close and the two of us went up in smoke.Love isn't all that it seems I did you wrong. I'll stay here with you until this dream is gone.

I've been sleepwalking, been wandering all night Trying to take what's lost and broke and make it right. I've been sleepwalking too close to the fire But it's the only place that I can hold you tight In this burning house.

See you at a party and you look the same. I could take you back but people don't ever change. Wish that we could go back in time, I'd be the one you thought you'd find…The flames are getting bigger now In this burning house, I can hold on to you somehow In this burning house. Oh, and I don't wanna wake up In this burning house…”

And right then and there in the car as I was driving to my sister Desiree’s house, the tears started as I allowed for the sadness that I felt at the loss of what could have been; that I could not fix what was broken in him.  I did lie beside him many nights as things went up in smoke. I knew that my husband was stuck inside his demons (he told me of them) yet he let them get the best of him.  And as much as I would have held him until we both perished, I could not.  It is this last thought that hurts the most; I moved forward without him.  It is not my moving forward but his lack of, that hurts.  His demons burned him in many ways and the scars that settled only a few select got to see or know.  Part of his struggle was to be loved and he was always looking for it.  Yet in his struggle to find it, he missed some of his greatest moments with it; seeing and being a part of his children’s growth into the beautiful and loving adults they are. My heart hurts for them but it isn't my hurt to keep.

 

The song makes me wish for a different outcome for him but I know it is futile. He is dead.  He isn’t coming back.  In my dream I hold him until he finishes his journey to the spirit world where at the lodges our relations welcome him with open arms and love.  I embrace the fire as I hold him and cry. I know where he is going and when I awake I know I have dreamt him home. 

Yet, the song makes me cry.  Even as I type this blog, tears find me.  I have the song on my iPhone. I hear the song almost every day on the country radio station I listen to and I tear up each time I hear it.  Why listen to it then, you may ask.  You see, I am waiting for the day that the tears stop when I hear the song; I know they will.  And when they do, I will know that I have moved through the sadness and healing to a place that is good for us both.  Until then, until the tears stop, life is as it should be.

In good thoughts,

Carrianne